Consciousness

I attended a political talk few weeks back. When it was the third speaker, I was already seated in the car, half-asleep but still listening to the speaker through the window and able to see him through the windscreen. There were no more than a hundred people around for it was nearly midnight at that time. Furthermore, the talk is organized in a village somewhere in Kota Tinggi where that many people at that particular time is considered many.

My mind wandered as the speaker talk about the issue of Indonesians maid new policy demanded by the Indonesia government to Malaysia government. My eyes fell on the clear night sky, exactly on my favorite stars, The Big Dipper. I don’t remember which stars, but it was either Dubhe or Merak, which was not shining brightly that night, as if unsure whether he should be shining in full force or not. Suddenly, as if aware that they are being gazed at, one of the stars twinkled. I felt as if it was teasing me, telling me, “Oh, you thought my friend there is hesitant. What about you?”

Hesitant

An idea had been in my mind for a few days at that time. I’ve been evaluating myself, specifically on my involvement in communities, organizations and businesses – my involvement with people with the same vision of mine. We try to make changes to the world. In these fields that I’m in, there are not many young people. Where there are, not many of them stay long enough. It is because they are not easy and they are not merciful. That’s how real life is.

I was hesitant because as I venture deeper into this path, the responsibilities grew heavier and I need to handle more things with the exact same amount of time I always had – 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I felt that I’ve had more than I can grasp in my hand and thus, some of them slipped and fell crashing to the ground with not-so-beautiful results.

Some of the roles that I took, they were not easy to let go because my withdrawal will involve many people and cause distractions to the work schedule. Furthermore, it is not easy to get people to do volunteer works. Also, the principle of selfless bothered my mind.

Self

Everybody has his/her own wants and needs. It is natural for human being to want to have comfortable, clean and cozy home, some time for leisure and time to spend with family. I felt that I’m losing those. I felt the need to better the society, but I haven’t find the formula for myself to live my life in balance by doing that. This is why I was evaluating my commitments.

Purpose

I believe in what I do because I am very sure of my purposes in life. This, I’m so grateful of. Because I found out that not many people have a clearly defined purpose in life. I had the blessings of learning from great teachers, reading great books and meeting great people in early age that I learned how purpose alone can be the greatest motivation.

It is just that his time I got confused of doing them all at the same time or taking them one at a time, though. I resolved that I must learn to let go. Learn to back off and not feeling guilty about it. I resolved that I must improve my time management skills by recalculating my speed of doing work and plan based on that personal ability and also, embracing the philosophy of underachieving.

And so…

I did as I resolved. It is now to early to assume that I have succeeded in managing my life schedule. But I believe this will turn out better in many areas than before. I remember reading about Rebecca in First Things First when she gave birth to her daughter, she let go of some of her tasks and still enjoy her time.

Now when I see the Big Dipper, I remembered that in every few thousand years the stars will re-arranged themselves – due to the galactic system movements – and form a new shape. But in the end, they still serve their purposes – to shine, to guide and many more. I might change my way of doing things, but in the end, I make sure I serve the same purposes I’ve set.

A friend reminded me of [3:159] earlier this morning:

“…And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah. Indeed, Allah loves those who rely (upon Him).”

3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. ayen
    Apr 09, 2012 @ 23:20:24

    kurang masin ek? bagus, kurang risiko darah tinggi kehkehkeh..

    asyik change je nanti orang kata “ko ni kenapa, kejap itu, kejap ini, terumbang ambing je.. tak de pendirian ke?” hahaha..

    Reply

  2. ayen
    Apr 09, 2012 @ 08:21:40

    read this twice.. at the first time, didn’t comment coz I can’t understand or feel it.. hehehe.. then i tried for the 2nd time, coz I know, “tak kan la Ajan tulis mende tak best”.. membaca dengan lebih tenang dan sabar.. dan terbuka…

    and really like “when I see the Big Dipper, I remembered that in every few thousand years the stars will re-arranged themselves” coz tak pernah tahu pun yang starts re-arranged tu. jadi, bila tau.. wah…! itulah caranya nak menyinar bagai bintang!!!

    Reply

    • Afzani
      Apr 09, 2012 @ 15:46:00

      Kenyataan “takkan la Ajan tulis mende x best” tu ada sikit kurang masin. =P

      Tapi kita takkan hidup selama tu untuk tengok perubahan Ursa Major tu. Maye it’s a signal – I don’t know – we shouldn’t change to frequently / drastically?

      Reply

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