Out of My Way

Brain: Could you please get out of my way?
Heart: What?

Brain: Just get out of my way. Please.
Heart: Why?

Brain: Just one day. Please. Get out of my way for JUST one day.
Heart: What did I do wrong?

Brain: Let me be in control for just one day.
Heart: Okay, okay. Sorry. I still don’t know what  I did wrong.



Don’t Think Too Much

Brain: We still remember the face of that old man sweeping the street at traffic light last week.
Heart: Yes, we do.

Brain: We still remember that three ringgits we borrowed from a friend who we lost contact with a few years back.
Heart: Yes, we do.

Brain: We still remember the look on that man’s face when he got out of the car after we smacked his car which happen last year.
Heart: Yes, we do.

Brain: And those few other things…
Heart: Yes, we always remember.

Brain: They tell us “Don’t think too much”.
Heart: We don’t know how, I know that.

Brain: How?
Heart: Don’t look. Don’t notice. Don’t feel.



Brain: We wrote our Golden List.
Heart: Yes, we did.

Brain: We list our achievements daily.
Heart: Every single day.

Brain: We pray five times a day.
Heart: Praises to Allah, we do.

Brain: We help people.
Heart: We try our best to be selfless.

Brain: We practice yoga.
Heart: It makes us feel good.

Brain: We control what we eat.
Heart: True.

Brain: Then, why does it still feels unsettling?
Heart: I don’t know.


Bucket List

Brain: One day we’re going to travel to Europe.
Heart: Okay.

Brain: We are going to Mecca.
Heart: That is already in our list.

Brain: On our birthday, we are going to spend money for orphans.

Heart: We have got that planned out since last year.

Brain: We are going to write an inspirational book.
Heart: Definitely got that in plan.

Brain: What else?
Heart: What happened to all the undone, forgotten plans?



Brain: I am getting worse with everything.
Heart: How?

Brain: I can’t divide numbers.
Heart: Really?

Brain: I forgot multiplication tables.
Heart: Oh…

Brain: I forgot my usual routes.
Heart: That’s disturbing.

Brain: I forgot many things. Slow. Probably dumber.
Heart: What do we do?

Brain: I don’t know what to do.
Heart: We’ll find a way somehow.

Brain: Maybe I am rotting.
Heart: Please don’t say that.

Brain: Maybe if we sleep longer, it’ll slow down the rot.
Heart: We’ll find a way.



Brain: *buzzing with voices and ideas*
Heart: Could you please shut up so I can calm down?

Brain: *long silence*
Heart: You know what? I changed my mind.

Brain: Huh?
Heart: I changed my mind. Keep talking.

Brain: Why? Thought you want quiet?
Heart: It’s eerie when you’re quiet.



Heart: I feel guilty…
Brain: About what?

Heart: I can’t see their happiness.
Brain: Why?

Heart: It makes me envious.
Brain: Why?

Heart: I don’t know.
Brain: That’s tough.

Heart: I am suppose to be happy about other people’s happiness.
Brain: What do we do now?

Heart: Let’s stay in the shadow till this feeling subside.
Brain: Well, that’s not a solution, but it’ll do for now.



Heart: I wish we’re cats.
Brain: Why cats?

Heart: We wouldn’t have to work. We can sleep 13 hours a day.
Brain: You know what other things that cats are good at?

Heart: What?
Brain: They don’t need us. They stay because they want us.

Heart: So?
Brain: They’re relax cause they know whether we’re here or not, their life is taken care by God Almighty.

Heart: Not us?
Brain: Not us. We’re the mediator.

Heart: We’re the mediator, not the source.
Brain: Let’s relax like a cat, knowing that we’re taken care of.



Heart: Don’t you feel that this is attenting-getting?
Brain: What?

Heart: This whole writing thing.
Brain: How is this attention-getting?

Heart: Everybody reads.
Brain: Let them.

Heart: You write too much.
Brain: It’s a positive self-expression, I feel.

Heart: Why do we have to do this?
Brain: Sense of achievement.

Heart: Really?
Brain: We don’t even need people to read them to feel that sense of achievement.

Heart: Yes. True.
Brain: Just thirty days and we’ll be done.


On Being Kind

Brain: Have you ever pondered…?
Heart: About what?

Brain: …why we do kind things to others?
Heart: Because it makes them happy?

Brain: No.
Heart: Because that’s the right thing to do?

Brain: I don’t think so.
Heart: Because that’s what our religion teach us?

Brain: Really?
Heart: What’s your point?

Brain: We do that because it makes us happy.
Heart: True.

Brain: We do that to fill the void in our heart.
Heart: I guess so.

Brain: We do that for our satisfaction.
Heart: So?

Brain: How selfish.
Heart: Oh… right.


To-Do List

Brain: 1. Pay bills
Heart: Hey, you.

Brain: 2. Settle poster design
Heart: Hey. Listen to me.

Brain: 3. Submit documents
Heart: What are you doing?

Brain: 4. Draft speech for meeting
Heart: Don’t ignore me!

Brain: You are the one interupting me!
Heart: What are you doing?!

Brain: I am trying to sort out our life.
Heart: We can do that later.

Brain: Will you please just shut up and help me out here?
Heart: Okay! Okay! I am jotting them down.


Get Up

Brain: Get up. We got stuffs to do.
Heart: I can’t.

Brain: Get up! We need to make a living, pay the bills, achieve some goals.
Heart: I can’t. It’s painful.

Brain: Stop pulling my leg.
Heart: It’s really, really painful. No kidding.

Brain: You’re over dramatic.
Heart: Accuse all you want.

Brain: *sigh* How long do you need?
Heart: 5 minutes.

Brain: Last time you said 5 minutes, you took 3 hours.
Heart: It was painful. It is painful now.

Brain: Fine. 5 minutes. No more.
Heart: Thanks.



Brain: Hey! You can do better than that.
Heart: What?

Brain: Smile!
Heart: Why? I am tired.

Brain: We don’t want them to find out.
Heart: I don’t care anymore…

Brain: You don’t remember that sleepless night, do you?
Heart: When? What?

Brain: That day when that lady found out.
Heart: Which lady?

Brain: And she asked what is wrong with you.
Heart: Oh… that.

Brain: We are not even that close.
Heart: Right.

Brain: But she found out.
Heart: Yes, she found out.

Brain: So try harder, please.
Heart: Hmm… *sigh*

Brain: Like you mean it!
Heart: Okay! Okay!!



Heart: What did you just tell her?
Brain: The truth.

Heart: Don’t do that! She’s happy. We’re not.
Brain: All the more reason to let it out.

Heart: No! It’ll only drag her down.
Brain: No! To be happy, we need to be around happy people.

Heart: I know that’s true. But don’t tell her our unhappiness.
Brain: She’ll find out, anyway.

Heart: Stop telling people.
Brain: Why are you always so guarded?



Brain: I am tired.
Heart: Me too.

Brain: Then could you please shut up?
Heart: I can’t.

Brain: Why can’t?
Heart: *whispering* They’re taking control of me. I am scared.

Brain: It’s ok. Let’s count our pills and keep them away.
Heart: I already did that. But it’s worse now…

Brain: Worse how?
Heart: They’re manipulating me with those pills.

Brain: But we need those pills!
Heart: Don’t worry. I still stick to the plan. Could you please hang around, keep me company? They’re stronger.

Brain: Okay okay. Hold on to me tightly.
Heart: Please don’t ever let go off me.



Heart: Did you just tell them what’s in your mind?
Brain: Yes, we must let it out. Share how we feel.

Heart: Oh my God! Do you realize what you have done?!
Brain: What? I did what’s right. Reasonable. Necessary.

Heart: Do you really think people understand that? You just let out a dark secret. And now we can’t take it back!
Brain: Relax. It’ll help us wind out. Besides, people forget.

Heart: You just let people see our dark side…
Brain: It’s okay. We can trust them.

Heart: You just let people see our dark side…
Brain: Calm down. They listened. We have someone to talk to. Good, right?

Heart: You just let people see our dark side…
Brain: Stop. Stop. Let’s sleep.


I Need Sleep

Brain: We should sleep.
Heart: I can’t. It’s too noisy.

Brain: Stop replaying all those criticisms and judgements!
Heart: But you are the one who stored them in memory!

Brain: If you control emotion, they’ll all fade away from memory.
Heart: Aren’t you the one who’s suppose to take care of hormonal balance and chemicals in you?

*long silence*

Brain: We should sleep.
Heart: I hope we can sleep, too.


Heart and Brain

There are instances in life when my heart argues with my brain.

My intelligence contradicts my instinct.

When a long-term planning disagrees with that spark of curiosity, I would be at the most confusing junction.

But in the end, I have to decide. Because that is the only way forward with life.

I’d either be grateful of that correct decision, or learn a valuable lesson from  my mistake.


Beautiful Chaos

Today, she wakes up in tears. She doesn’t even know why. She just feel that she is overwhelmingly sad. In fact, she has felt that way for weeks. Probably months. Probably years. She lost count.

She experienced nearly drowning once when she was little. She was pulled by current at shore when she was excited trying to stay afloat by herself cause she had just discovered that she was capable of doing that. Her cousin sister saw what happened and pulled her up. She survived.

She still remembers that feeling. That feeling of almost drowning. You can’t grasp for air. Your mouth and nose are filled with water. The inside of your nose burns. Your lungs burn. You try to grasp for anything solid. You can only feel liquid in your hands that you can’t hold on to. You kick your feet around. You try to find something solid to step on. Your eyes burn. You can’t scream. You can only hear the water gushing in your ears.

That is how she feels right now. The difference is there is no water around her. She is just submerged in her own feelings.

Her friends told her it is temporary. They told her it is all in her mind. They told her she is actually okay. They said she just has to control her heart and mind.

When she said she’s tired, a friend told her to “get more sleep and eat well and exercise”.

When she said she feels low, a friend told her that she’s “the strong one”.

When she said she lost weight and she needs new pants, her friend told her to “wear belts”.

When she said she talked to doctor about it, her friend said “but you’re okay, right?”

So she stopped telling them. It is not their fault. Humans like to be listened to. And it takes a great deal of skills to really listen. She caught herself doing that to her friends too, sometimes. And maybe she notices much less than she actually really do that to her friends.

So she chose the easy way. She fakes smiles. She hangs out to laugh. She says she is okay every time people ask. She makes jokes when people ask why she looks so thin now.

She is afraid of herself. Or the demons in her mind. She can’t really distinguish. It is scary, what they say when she’s counting her pills. It is frightening, what they whisper when she’s riding her motorbike or driving.

So she chooses to cry. Because tears are suppose to release some hormones that calm her down. And because the sobs drown the voices of the demons, sometimes. And because she remember Allah every time tears roll down her cheeks.

She gets out of bed. She wipes tears off her cheeks. “I must go to work”, she tells herself. She looks in the mirror. She pats her cheeks. She smiles at her reflection. The tears have come out again.

“Five more minutes”, she said. “I’ll sleep for five more minutes and it’ll go away.” She pats her cheeks again.

She goes back to bed. As she drifts to sleep, she hopes she is just lazy. She hopes that if laziness can kill, it will do that to her in her sleep. And she lost consciousness.