5 LOVE LANGUAGES
A book by Gary Chapman.
Gary Chapman gathered data from his experience as a marriage councellor to write this book. Humans generally give love and expect to receive love in 5 ways:
1. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION. They love verbally. They say “I love you”. They compliment you when you do well. They call you to tell you they miss you. Your tone of voice affects their feelings.
2. ACT OF SERVICES. They don’t mind accompanying you shopping. They settle your chores when you don’t have time. They make you drinks when you stay up at night. They expect your help when they ask for it.
3. PHYSICAL TOUCH. It is literally that. Holding hands, hugs, and pats on the shoulder are important for them. They do that to you when they love you, as well.
4. QUALITY TIME. Late night conversations, focused attention and spending time on your hobbies are their cup of tea. Some don’t like to talk, but like to spend time together, even though the two of you are busy with work, just feeling your presence.
5. GIVING GIFTS. They spend money on you. They remember special occasions like anniversaries and birthdays. They bring you a little something often.
Why is it important to learn this?
1. TO KNOW YOURSELF. Only after you are aware of your own language, you can ask how you’d like to be loved by your loved ones.
If you feel hurt every time your husband say something which he wasn’t aware of, you can say, “Honey, I’m hurt when you say it that way, can we resolve this?”
You can ask your friend to bring you a little something from her holiday, because you know it will make you happy. Your friend will know that makes you happy, and continue giving you gifts in the future.
2. TO LEARN SECONDARY LANGUAGE. Once you are aware of your loved ones’ language, teach yourself to ‘speak’ their language. The only way to be loved, is to first, give love.
If your love language is acts of service and your spouse’s words of affirmation, at first it might be so hard for you to say it out loud. It feels so ‘not you’, you feel like a stone is stucked in your throat. But that is the way he/she feel loved, so you start small. Make a point to compliment him/her once a day, for example. You can whisper ‘I love you’ if you’re to shy to say it out loud.
+ When there’s a will, there’s a way. Remember: To feel loved, we must first give love.
Here’s a personal story. Emak and I are contradictions. Her love language is Acts of Service, mine is Words of Affirmations. She takes care of everyone in my family. That is how she shows love. It’s only when I am in my 30s, I realized how much she feels loved when we do house chores for her. I heard she says often, “Anak Mak, help me clean the drain please”, “I want to wake up with breakfast ready in the kitchen” and I took it very lightly when she says ‘Thank you’ for things I did for her. I didn’t realized it means so much for her.
Now, Emak is a bit blunt. She says things as it us. And more than I want to admit, most times she is right. Growing up, her tone of voice may have affected me in too many occasions. So nowadays, I just have to say, ‘Mak, don’t say it like that” and she’ll quickly realized that she didn’t mean to say it that way.
What I’m saying is, never stop learning to love someone. Love is a continuous work. 32 years and counting, Emak and I are still learning to love each other. If you are two good people in love, trying to find your ways in the relationship, I’m sure you’ll make it.
+ Give love to be loved. All the best.
Searching to learn the 2nd language